June 17, 2013
Waking up feels good again.
I feel whole and I don’t understand how, or even why. Everything was broken, hope was shattered. I was growing used to feeling empty. I was becoming accustomed to monotone days, filled with routines, leaving no room for thought, for analysis, for romance. Laying in bed every morning dreading the sun was soon second nature. Smiling at night for the opportunity to lucidly dream of a better reality, was in turn, ordinary behavior. Yet the moment my eyes met his features, in a reality far more tangible than any lucid dream, everything changed. Seeing him again opened a door. Not of possibilities but a door of healing. My heart can now move on knowing that he is accessible. His presence still lingers…
When I saw him for that second first time, it was as if nothing happened. As if months had vanished into thin air. Months of tears, anger, disappointment, months of feeling abandoned – never happened. No, seeing him brought with it a rush of positivity. Everything felt normal, comfortable, right. The night that brought us to that very moment had to happen precisely the way it did. In that order, in that speed, in that flow of energy. The electric charge between us was and is intoxicating. I’ve never felt so comfortable and natural around a man. But is he a man? Boy acts like the perfect gentleman. He shows my friend why I’ve been incapable of moving on. He shows her potential. He is a good person, someone who perhaps needs saving. Don’t we all need saving? But am I to save him? No, I made that mistake the first time around.
I spent months remembering his kisses. Revisiting every detail of his face. Imagining what it would feel like to have him lay his lips on mine, just once more. I drew that kiss over and over in my head. Coloring the atmosphere with my mind’s brightest crayons. Black air for the turmoils I’ve faced, sprinkled white lights for the hope I held onto, peach for his flattering face, blush pink cheeks for the children we were in every second spent together, and red on his lips, smeared from mine, for a kiss so passionate… But when he kissed me… nothing stopped, there were no fire works, no hallelujah playing in my ears.There was only energy. He felt it too, for he was aroused – instantly. It couldn’t have lasted more than five seconds, yet time was irrelevant. I could have stayed in his arms, allowing his tongue to invade my mouth, reveling in the chemistry, swooning in his scent. No cologne, nothing more than the smell of his own skin. Pure bliss. When I pulled away, his face was painted with an enormous smile. I stood there for all of seven seconds, returning the uncontrollable smile. Not of happiness, not of pleasure – my smile was peace. Inner peace of finally receiving my answers. He liked me, he may have even loved me, but he lacked courage. He lacks the courage to be the man he knows I deserve. He looks at me and sees who he can become, and it frightens him. It was never a question of whether or not he had feelings, it was a matter of in-expression. I would gladly guide him through, but I myself, need guidance.
I don’t understand this feeling. I don’t understand how deep it is, and it frightens me. Regardless, I come to one conclusion: this episode will remain in my heart. I will not spread my peace. I will not recount the moment to others, analyze every second, break down words, lose the magic of the moment. I will treasure it closely, I will allow it to continue to fill me with peace. Strangely enough, I am not expecting, hoping, wanting more. I am simply feeling. I am peace. He gave me peace, and for that alone I am grateful. I’m not sure what this means, but I am capable of living without the anxiety of trying to understand. The moment must remain just that, a moment. The fact that I acted on impulse, took a taxi across town, walked into his work place with dignity, and collected what I came for – I was face to face with my inner strength. I am not sure how to move forward now, and the uncertain feeling is delicious.
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